Would you settle or break up?

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Submitted by kev374 on January 20, 2014 - 4:16pm

If you were with someone for 2 or 3 years, co-mingled your friends etc. and experiencing high pressure to get married not only from your mate but your family and friends circle, however IF you suddenly feel that you would like to go a different course solo and break up...how would you go about the break up?

Submitted by spdrun on January 20, 2014 - 4:42pm.

Hard question! Depends whether her father owned a Daisy Air Rifle, a 12-ga shotgun, or a Kalaschnikov.

Submitted by Huckleberry on January 20, 2014 - 4:47pm.

I definitely wouldn't settle, NEVER settle!

Hell just reflect back on your own recent post about Divorce Corp. - http://piggington.com/divorce_corp

Why would anyone even consider settling just to make others happy? You have only so many years to make yourself happy, don't waste them.

Regarding the friends, pick the ones you like best and lay claim to them, especially if you met them first. Now if your "significant other" met them first you should respect that and let them lay claim to those friends.

About how to do it? Just be honest and tell them you're not happy and don't feel comfortable dealing with the constant pressure to marry. Many times the pressure coming from your significant other has an ulterior motive that is not communicated, often that motivation is to start cranking out babies.

One more note, with every couple I have experienced that recently get married, children are ALWAYS the next logical step (especially for females) and you can count on the family starting within 1-2 years following the wedding. Make sure this is what you are looking for.

Good luck...

Submitted by kev374 on January 20, 2014 - 5:04pm.

①Do not want to settle at all, but breaking up sucks, you disappoint a lot of people and approaching the subject can be terrible when your partner is a very melodramatic type

Submitted by scaredyclassic on January 20, 2014 - 5:31pm.

break up. it's not time.

Submitted by joec on January 20, 2014 - 6:28pm.

A lot of these questions and answers are probably due to probably 1 person not being at that point in time to want to get married and looking for a certain/different lifestyle.

We all grow up expecting how our lives should be and if you're "forced" or "pressured" into getting married when you really don't want to be married, I would give you guys probably 5 years before a divorce does happen.

One thing I've learned in life is that even though you maybe perfect for someone, maybe at this point in time, you guys aren't really heading in the same journey or looking at the same things from life.

You or whoever wants to know should definitely discuss kids as well and when since kids are a massive sacrifice in terms of lifestyle (you have none for a while) and are insanely expensive...

Kids alone is a deal breaker IMO since your life will change too much if 1 person wants that responsibility and 1 doesn't. You don't want a kid stuck in there to parents who don't want them.

As for the friends, I'd guess you'd know which friend will go where, but it'll probably be messy and you might have to start over if people "take" the other person's side. This is pretty tough as making friends are hard to begin with...

Just get married for the right reasons and don't do it because it's time. If someone dated for a very long time, maybe it's not a matter of not wanting to marry, it's just that they don't want to marry that person and delay.

It's REALLY hard to fight all the pressure from her/everyone around you, and you may make it and get on the same page again eventually, but marriage is tough enough without this "marry me or we're breaking up deal..."

People do make it of course, but if you're pretty against it, then that's probably your gut telling you something.

Submitted by njtosd on January 20, 2014 - 6:37pm.

Why are you asking this question? I think you're looking for people who don't know you to back you up, which is silly. But in case that's not true, here's how you do it:

You arrange to meet the person privately and explain your feelings honestly and compassionately. And then you live with the consequences of your decision without being petty or weak.

It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.

Submitted by kev374 on January 20, 2014 - 6:42pm.

njtosd wrote:

It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.

It's not that simple in all cases. Sometimes people will react very badly because they are unable or unwilling to digest the information even if you are being candid.

Communicating something like a breakup is hard enough to do but makes it that much more difficult and worse when the other person is not mature enough to deal with the situation in a controlled way.

Submitted by paramount on January 20, 2014 - 7:00pm.

More than likely your friends are right.

Submitted by scaredyclassic on January 20, 2014 - 7:26pm.

Give me her number.

I'll break it to her.

Submitted by moneymaker on January 20, 2014 - 8:27pm.

Of all the breakups I've had, I now realize that none of them would have worked long term. Each person was "special" to me, but even that 1 in a million, if it's not right, then it won't last. Watch a bunch of 2 1/2 men (the old ones with Charlie) and see what feels right to you. Time heals everything, so if you have to go hide out somewhere so be it, just kidding. Try to be mature even if they won't be. Remember make up sex can be pretty good too!

Submitted by NotCranky on January 20, 2014 - 8:52pm.

If it came on "suddenly" , I would think maybe I was a chicken, getting cold feet and if it came on suddenly after 3 years I am not sure I would blame the other person for being immature. They may be, 3 years is a long time many pretty mature people would have some difficulty. Maybe the person who has this sudden change thing happen is immature too. So that maybe is a good reason to take a step back and see what comes of it. Maybe you will do some soul searching that can't happen without the separation and maybe the whole thing would be a relief , but you can't know.

My friends (I am not too involved with my family) were pretty good judges of the women I dated. They liked my wife as an individual and for me right away.
They were right.

Submitted by FlyerInHi on January 20, 2014 - 8:47pm.

Break up by text. Say "it's me, not you."

Submitted by zk on January 20, 2014 - 9:14pm.

kev374 wrote:
njtosd wrote:

It seems to me that someone who knows how to date someone for 2-3 years should know how to express their feelings to that person. If not, maybe the problem is more complicated than you think.

It's not that simple in all cases. Sometimes people will react very badly because they are unable or unwilling to digest the information even if you are being candid.

Communicating something like a breakup is hard enough to do but makes it that much more difficult and worse when the other person is not mature enough to deal with the situation in a controlled way.

The fallout of a breakup won't last very long. A month? A year? A week? A marriage - to a person whom you consider immature and have trouble communicating with - and that you entered in order to avoid a relatively short period of angst - and the following (not-unlikely) divorce has the potential to last for tortuous decades.

That's like Homer in an episode of the Simpsons. He's about to commit some kind of caper. In order to not leave fingerprints, he's grinding off his finger prints with a power tool, which is obviously causing him great pain. He's screaming loudly in pain. It occurs to him that he could just wear gloves. He says to himself, referring to the gloves: "Ah, they're upstairs." And he then continues grinding his fingerprints off and screaming in pain.

Your decision to marry to avoid the pain of breaking up would be like Homer's decision to grind off his fingertips because he didn't want to climb a flight of stairs. Only way stupider.

Submitted by zk on January 20, 2014 - 9:16pm.

dup

Submitted by njtosd on January 20, 2014 - 9:22pm.

Wait. Are you telling me you're afraid that she's going to yell at you or cry? (I assume you're a guy.) Maybe she will - that's understandable. Since you are posting on this board and people are talking marriage I assume that you are an adult. If you fear violence, this is a different matter.

I think you are being selfish and are afraid of feeling bad. Actually, showing those things would probably be helpful. Women are kind of turned off by selfish and fearful, so it probably will make the break up easier on her.

This is not personal - but my guess is that in a month or two she will be over this. Yes, facing people is uncomfortable, but it is how we behave at difficult times that defines us. Plus, she deserves the chance to find someone with whom she can enjoy a relationship where feelings are mutual.

Submitted by scaredyclassic on January 20, 2014 - 9:53pm.

In your defense, it socks disappointing peoole. But on the scale of disappointments the break up is like a 2.4 compared to the failed marriage which will be in the high 9s.

Submitted by paramount on January 20, 2014 - 10:09pm.

a pic might be helpful...

Submitted by flyer on January 20, 2014 - 11:10pm.

From my own experience, and in observing friend's relationships, I've noticed that when both parties have lots of options regarding "significant others," there seems to be less drama in a breakup, than when one or both might be considered to be in the "desperate" category.

My wife and I met in high school, dated, went to college, broke up, dated other amazing people, and, in the end, found that what we had in the beginning was, in fact, the "real thing." 30 years of marriage later, it still is.

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you'd probably be doing your "significant other" a favor to break up with her--but don't be surprised if she finds someone better.

Submitted by njtosd on January 20, 2014 - 11:17pm.

flyer wrote:
.....

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you'd probably be doing your "significant other" a favor to break up with her--but don't be surprised if she finds someone better.

Snicker. +1

Submitted by CA renter on January 21, 2014 - 3:41am.

njtosd wrote:
flyer wrote:
.....

I asked my wife to read this thread, and she said that, in her opinion, but not to be construed as advice, you'd probably be doing your "significant other" a favor to break up with her--but don't be surprised if she finds someone better.

Snicker. +1

X2 :)

Submitted by CA renter on January 21, 2014 - 4:27am.

You've got to be kidding, Kev! After all the discussion in the other thread, one would think this should be an absolute no-brainer for you. NEVER marry someone for any reason other than your desperate desire to spend every day of the rest of your life with her. To do anything else will land you smack dab in the middle of that other thread.

And next time you start dating a woman, make clear before you have any kind of sexual contact with her what you expect from the relationship. It sounds like you might have been leading this girl on, based on what you've written here.

If you're looking for something casual without any kind of long-term commitment, then say so. There are plenty of women out there who are perfectly comfortable with this. That way, you're interests will be better aligned and you should be able to avoid situations like the one you're describing here. No harm, no foul.

If, OTOH, you're seriously thinking about getting married and are looking for "the right one," then say that you're not opposed to marriage, but are looking for the right person, and once you determine that the person you're dating is NOT "the one," break it up at that very moment. It is not your right to waste a woman's most precious years when she is most likely to find her "right one." That's an opportunity cost that few women can afford.

Never string a person along with hints or suggestions that you want to marry her (without any intention of really doing so) just because you're afraid of being alone or not finding something better. That is totally uncool. As Joe said above, it's very rarely a matter of timing; more often than not, it's not the right person. I've seen the most dedicated bachelors marry, usually in a surprisingly short time, when they've found the right person. You should be able to weed out the ones who are NOT right within the first 6-9 months. Cut it off at that point, and move on; it's much more humane for everyone involved. If you meet the right one, I'm willing to bet you will know it within a year.

Let someone go as soon as you discover she's definitely not the one with whom you want to spend **every day of every year for the rest of your life.** (Unless you've disclosed to her up front that you're not looking for anything serious, of course.) And realize that looks will absolutely fade over time in every single case, and what you're left with is the person's character. Her personality and character will matter more than anything else in the long run. If there is one thing I have heard consistently from every single happily married couple of many decades, it's that their spouse is their very best friend in the whole world, and it's this intense and loyal friendship that makes the marriage happy and strong. Focus on this, and the rest will fall into place, IMHO. Marriage is for the long haul; choose wisely.

Be honest and forthright in everything you do WRT other people, and let them know exactly where you stand from day one. Demand the same from them. That way, if you're really turned off by women who are looking to marry, you can weed them out on the first date (and they can weed out the ones who are afraid of marriage, as well).

Good luck!

Submitted by Coronita on January 21, 2014 - 9:20am.

Just don't call it a breakup.. Call it "you want time off"....

Submitted by Coronita on January 21, 2014 - 9:23am.

This might help:

Submitted by Coronita on January 21, 2014 - 9:30am.

.

Submitted by FlyerInHi on January 21, 2014 - 10:24am.

Realistically, any contract you enter into is a compromise, or settling.

Just make sure it's the best deal you can negotiate. It you can do better, then move on. Otherwise, keep what you have.

Submitted by kev374 on January 21, 2014 - 11:22am.

missing a lot of contextual info here... again there is a stereotype here. Why do people automatically assume that the man is stringing the woman along? Some women choose to wait despite knowing that the man is unsure about her... is that then the man's fault?

If the man is promising marriage then it is stringing along but if the man is candidly telling the woman that he is not sure about marriage and does not know when he is going to be sure then it is the woman's responsibility as an adult to take whatever meaning from that and make choices about her own life. If she considers waiting to be a waste of her valuable years then she should just move on instead of staying with the man and then harassing him.

The whole purpose of dating is to evaluate IF you want to marry OR NOT. It's not some automatic thing like "oh we completed 2 years now and you're not marrying me so you're a JERK".

In addition sometimes things can come up later, say after a year and a half together, that may have not been apparent in 6-9 months (like one person said here that period should be enough to know if you want to marry someone or not!!)... people date for 2-3 years and still end up divorced because they didn't fully evaluate all the things that could cause issues long term.

Nobody forces the other to stay in a relationship against their will, it is up to them to decide whether they want to wait for a positive decision or to move on.

Submitted by Hobie on January 21, 2014 - 1:24pm.

Are you living together? Makes it a bit tougher. Dude. Man up! If your gut is telling you no, go with it. You are tangentially suggesting she may be crazy so even more reason to get out before kids and halving your net worth. Still luv ya dude :)

Submitted by CA renter on January 21, 2014 - 6:02pm.

kev374 wrote:
missing a lot of contextual info here... again there is a stereotype here. Why do people automatically assume that the man is stringing the woman along? Some women choose to wait despite knowing that the man is unsure about her... is that then the man's fault?

If the man is promising marriage then it is stringing along but if the man is candidly telling the woman that he is not sure about marriage and does not know when he is going to be sure then it is the woman's responsibility as an adult to take whatever meaning from that and make choices about her own life. If she considers waiting to be a waste of her valuable years then she should just move on instead of staying with the man and then harassing him.

The whole purpose of dating is to evaluate IF you want to marry OR NOT. It's not some automatic thing like "oh we completed 2 years now and you're not marrying me so you're a JERK".

In addition sometimes things can come up later, say after a year and a half together, that may have not been apparent in 6-9 months (like one person said here that period should be enough to know if you want to marry someone or not!!)... people date for 2-3 years and still end up divorced because they didn't fully evaluate all the things that could cause issues long term.

Nobody forces the other to stay in a relationship against their will, it is up to them to decide whether they want to wait for a positive decision or to move on.

I was just going from what you've said about her likely reaction to your news. If you've been fully honest with her from day one, then it's all good.

Submitted by kev374 on January 21, 2014 - 7:33pm.

CA renter wrote:

I was just going from what you've said about her likely reaction to your news. If you've been fully honest with her from day one, then it's all good.

2 months ago she asked me to move in with her and I refused and said I do not want to do it because incase we breakup I don't want it to be complicated.

Let me ask you, if a man says after 2 years that they are NOT going to move in with you what message does it send you? As a logical person you make the determination. Does it give the message that I am going head over heels about someone? Or does it give you the message that I have doubts about the relationship? I don't think one has to be a rocket scientist to figure this one out!

It's my life and I reserve the right to be indecisive for any length of time as long as I don't make false promises. As I said it's upto someone to move on or continue knowing that they could be wasting their time.

And I may be wasting my time as well but obviously I think it's worth it to stick around to see if my feelings about the situation change. One may feel it's worth sticking around and the other may not feel it's ok and that is fine.

What is NOT ok is to know the other person is unsure and then stay with that person and then make them feel bad that they are not proposing marriage and trying to guilt them or rush them into marriage... THAT is what is wrong.

Submitted by njtosd on January 21, 2014 - 8:59pm.

Based on personal experience, I have never changed my mind about someone after knowing them for two or three years. I barely change my mind after the first hour. My attitude is fish or cut bait. Most happily married men I have known have been crazy about their wives from early in the relationship. If you don't feel that way, that's a concern. You should always be striving to find the person who will help you to have a great life (and vice versa). Don't waste your time - as the old saying goes - it's later than you think.

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