San Diego Housing Market News and Analysis
A simpler life
User Forum Topic
Submitted by scaredyclassic on August 22, 2019 - 9:52pm
Lately I am filled with this fantasy that I did not become so hormonally driven at age 13, that sex didnt drive and torment me the next 40 years, that I went against the grain of my peers, never tried to be noticed or special, got some simple job, lived at home, avoided all the headaches of work and family and debt and education and everything.
That I hadnt been such a pretentious fool.
That I hadn't wasted so much time
That I hadn't been so desperate and afraid.
That I had been true to myself.
It could not have happened and how else could I have been anything but what I was but jeez, all this bullshit, for what? To pass it on?
For a smart quote unquote guy im pretty dumb. I am an impostor, a dope, a ridiculous human.
When I started 7th grade, I had this suspicion that the school administration was going to hypnotize me and everyone and change us into something bad and mess with our brains during auditorium. My plan was to scratch my name in the arm rest of the auditorium wood seating as the hypnosis began so I would remember who I really was in case they did it and made me different. The year was 1976. I wasnt certain they do this but I had a feeling. I'd smoked some weed for the first time a few days earlier with my druggie pal. I felt strangely unvhildlike but not endlessly horny...that was coming soon.
In a way I was right, but the hypnotic impulse was all internal, basically chasing women, wanting to be loved desperately, to be recognized. All my life has been a desperate ungrateful flailing at phantasms
Or maybe those bastards did screw up my brain back in 1976. Should go check the armrests. Maybe the clue is there still
I remember the hypnosis suspicion 43 years ago more clearly than I recall last week. I guess I'm grateful for everythingbive been thru to be here and for my beautiful family. It's all just so foolish and ultimately...absurd.
~Active forum topics~