Holy Sh.... I'm old...

User Forum Topic
Submitted by Coronita on April 6, 2014 - 7:29pm

Doing my taxes over the weekend, I was looking over things I need to report and had to open up my file cabinet stuffed with statements from all the years. I only open this cabinet around this time of year....

Digging through the cabinet, I stumbled across an old relic...My very first paycheck I earned as a full time engineer, from my very first job.. Lol....

....Then digging further, I found my first offer letter ...Qualcomm. Engineer (I)... Starting paying $38,500. With a "generous sign on bonus of $2,500....Then there was, the selling points of why I should live in San Diego...

I remember when I first started out, I bought this file cabinet from Staples in Mira Mesa, along with a white couch and twin bed from them Robinson May Company in UTC... The couch, bed, and file cabinet, went with me wherever i relocated...up to the bay area and back and forth..

In all, the file cabinet has been every place that I lived, accumulating more and more statements as the years progress

...Digging through one of the drawers this evening, I realized I have so much crap in this drawer....And then it hits me...

Holy Sh***... I'm almost 40....I've been working for almost 18 years... I'm old, dude......

Submitted by scaredyclassic on April 16, 2014 - 7:37pm.

Frankly at 1.3 million I'm death neutral. Kinda takes the pressure off. Uncoolto leave behind a financial mess.

With my luck I'll probably live

Submitted by svelte on April 16, 2014 - 8:41pm.

CA renter wrote:
Since UCGal and CE have brought it up, anyone else here feel an incredible sense of worry and anxiety once they had kids? Like UCGal, my family has been overrun by cancer, and I've lived with at least one of my parents having cancer (5 "deadly" cancers between them, plus non-melanoma skin cancers) since I was 13 years old.

I don't ever remember being quite as worried about my own mortality when I was younger, but once I had kids, I've become obsessed with making it until at least my youngest's 18th birthday. Been worried ever since I got pregnant.

Anyone else feel this way?

I did a deep dive studying breast cancer last year, and one thing I discovered was that women with young children were much more likely to choose mastectomy - often double mastectomy - over lumpectomy than women without young children.

Why? I surmise it is because women are driven to be there for their kids at all costs. Nothing is more important to them than supporting their kids through childhood.

A very admirable trait, I might add.

I didn't realize how much anxiety I had over the responsibility of raising kids until my youngest one turned 18. That month, I can clearly remember telling my wife it was as if I'd become weightless...I did not realize what a mental burden that responsibility was until it was gone.

So yes, I definitely do know what you are talking about CA.

At the same time, I agree with Scaredy that a person's mental composition is pretty much complete by 5-7 yo. So as long as you have supportive relatives that could look after your kids should you pass, you should really relax and not worry so much about them. Of course I'm one to talk since I couldn't do that myself.

Submitted by scaredyclassic on April 16, 2014 - 9:06pm.

my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.

Submitted by NotCranky on April 16, 2014 - 9:35pm.

Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.

Submitted by CDMA ENG on April 16, 2014 - 11:07pm.

scaredyclassic wrote:
my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.

The prison system disagrees with you.

CE

Submitted by CA renter on April 16, 2014 - 11:16pm.

Blogstar wrote:
Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.

Exactly. And stories like yours, where you lost your mom when you were young, really tear my heart out. I just cannot imagine having to leave my kids behind and would do anything in the world to avoid ever having to do that.

Submitted by CA renter on April 16, 2014 - 11:27pm.

svelte wrote:

I did a deep dive studying breast cancer last year, and one thing I discovered was that women with young children were much more likely to choose mastectomy - often double mastectomy - over lumpectomy than women without young children.

Why? I surmise it is because women are driven to be there for their kids at all costs. Nothing is more important to them than supporting their kids through childhood.

A very admirable trait, I might add.

I didn't realize how much anxiety I had over the responsibility of raising kids until my youngest one turned 18. That month, I can clearly remember telling my wife it was as if I'd become weightless...I did not realize what a mental burden that responsibility was until it was gone.

So yes, I definitely do know what you are talking about CA.

At the same time, I agree with Scaredy that a person's mental composition is pretty much complete by 5-7 yo. So as long as you have supportive relatives that could look after your kids should you pass, you should really relax and not worry so much about them. Of course I'm one to talk since I couldn't do that myself.

Interesting to hear that it was your youngest turning 18 that made you feel like the burden was relieved. I think that's what many of us are aiming for. Elizabeth Edwards' wish was to make it to her youngest child's 18th birthday after hearing that her breast cancer had metastasized.

Unfortunately, we don't have any living relatives other than my MIL who is barely able to take care of herself at this point. I think that's why I get so stressed about it. One of my dearest long-term friends (since 5th grade) and her husband agreed to be our kids' guardians; but, in the meantime, they've had four kids of their own and a heart attack and stroke between them (and they are health nuts!). Just not sure that they could handle it now, but I've not pushed the issue with them. Don't want to hear that they've changed their minds.

Being a parent is incredibly scary. All of a sudden, you become very concerned about the future of society and the world, IMO.

Agree with your assumption about women with BC. There are a lot of young mothers out there who've discovered they have the defective BRCA gene and are opting for prophylactic bilateral mastectomies (and oophorectomies, going into surgical menopause), too. Anything to be there for their kids.

Submitted by svelte on April 17, 2014 - 6:46am.

CA renter wrote:

Unfortunately, we don't have any living relatives other than my MIL who is barely able to take care of herself at this point. I think that's why I get so stressed about it. One of my dearest long-term friends (since 5th grade) and her husband agreed to be our kids' guardians; but, in the meantime, they've had four kids of their own and a heart attack and stroke between them (and they are health nuts!). Just not sure that they could handle it now, but I've not pushed the issue with them. Don't want to hear that they've changed their minds.

Yeah, I shouldn't have said "supportive relative", as it really doesn't matter if they are a relative or not.

I better understand your concern now - we had two choices for guardians of our kids should that have been needed. Over time I became fairly dissatisfied with both those choices as I watched the potential guardians lives unfold and how they handled a few events in their lives. But they beat any other alternatives we would have had by a long shot. Sounds like you are in a similar boat. :-)

Submitted by scaredyclassic on April 17, 2014 - 7:39am.

CDMA ENG wrote:
scaredyclassic wrote:
my opinion;

parents need their kids more than kids need their parents.

just my opinion.

The prison system disagrees with you.

CE

we will them into existence to provide us with meaning. they exist with or without us.

i still say, we need them mroe than they need us.

Submitted by scaredyclassic on April 17, 2014 - 7:40am.

CA renter wrote:
Blogstar wrote:
Mental composition is there by 7, but helping them learn to live best with their personalities emotions strengths and weaknesses, interests and motivations is a much longer job. A 7 year old can be misdirected terribly over the next dozen years with very serious consequences. Nobody will do it perfectly but there is still a big job to do. There is a ton of ongoing care and nurturing due to them.

Exactly. And stories like yours, where you lost your mom when you were young, really tear my heart out. I just cannot imagine having to leave my kids behind and would do anything in the world to avoid ever having to do that.

better to leave em behind than take em with you!

Submitted by UCGal on April 17, 2014 - 8:50am.

CA renter wrote:

Agree with your assumption about women with BC. There are a lot of young mothers out there who've discovered they have the defective BRCA gene and are opting for prophylactic bilateral mastectomies (and oophorectomies, going into surgical menopause), too. Anything to be there for their kids.

I had myself tested for the BRCA genes (before 23andMe made it less expensive and more available.) I was totally going to do the prophylactic surgeries. My mom died of ovarian cancer. It helps that
a) I was in my 40's and done with having kids, close enough to menopause to not have the hormonal replacement thing be as much an issue if I removed ovaries.
b) could rebuild breasts to make bionic new shiny fresh ones.

Fortunately, I don't have the gene mutation. And with 23andMe have confirmed I don't have many of the cancer risk mutations.

(For those interested - you can still get the health info from 23andMe - download the raw data, then upload it into promethease. The FDA can't prevent you from getting the information.)

Submitted by CA renter on April 17, 2014 - 5:35pm.

Good to hear that you don't have many of the cancer mutations, UCGal.

While I understand the FDA's concerns, it's a shame that they have effectively shut down the health portion of 23andMe's offerings. Hope they are able to get everything back on track.

Submitted by bzribee on April 21, 2014 - 12:44am.

Wow. After reading all your comments I feel REALLY old! I just turned 60. Both 50 and 60 were difficult. Some friends and I decided to read and discuss some books re aging and I feel the stress lessening. At times I feel the need to do all those things I haven't yet done, at other times I feel content with just enjoying my life as it is.

Too many friends dealing with cancer, and a number dying too young. One said to me, "The way I see it, we have 'til we're 50 then all bets are off." That really impacted me and helped me decide to retire early. Who knows what's in store, but I want to be able to live as fully as possible. I retired early (58) as my job became too stressful. I now have a small business that I enjoy.

Lately, I"ve been aware that I'm letting the small business take over, and not doing the traveling I wish to do, so I'm re-evaluating again. Time to step things up.

Starting with 50 I became more aware of physical changes and I have to fight the feeling that I'm "old". Luckily I have even older friends who are very active and great role models of what is possible.

I have been asked to be the guardian of friends' children. I think it is easier to go from having kids and adding a few more, than it is to go from zero kids to all of a sudden becoming a parent--so I suggested they ask someone with a family.

Doing an estate plan, living will, etc took me forever but it felt really good to have the conversations and to get these done. Now I'm deciding on long term care, if they'd even take me.

It's so weird to see high school friends--such an intense time--and realize we were hanging out together 45 years ago. Arrgghhh!!!

I believe Red Foxx said, "Won't those health food nuts feel silly one day, lying in bed, dying of nothing?"

I'll let you know when I get there! Meanwhile, I don't have a bucket list but I am trying to say "yes" more than "no" each day.

That's my (elder) take on things. I really enjoyed reading everyone's experiences. It helps to talk about it--compare notes.

BTW, I became aware of body changes beginning around 40 but didn't do much about it ("no time"). DON'T WAIT!

Submitted by scaredyclassic on April 21, 2014 - 6:33am.

i like the "we have til we're 50 then all bets are off" quote...

Submitted by CA renter on April 21, 2014 - 11:52pm.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, bzribee. Your point about having older, active friends is key; it's good to have successful role models to help motivate us and give us a healthy perspective. I like the Redd Foxx quote, too. :)

Submitted by svelte on December 8, 2014 - 8:54pm.

svelte wrote:

Also I just ordered the Toohey book based on your comment. Let's just hope I find the time to read it. :)

I've tried reading the "Boredom" book three times now...can't get past the 1/4 mark. It's just too, well, boring.

Submitted by scaredyclassic on December 8, 2014 - 10:31pm.

svelte wrote:
svelte wrote:

Also I just ordered the Toohey book based on your comment. Let's just hope I find the time to read it. :)

I've tried reading the "Boredom" book three times now...can't get past the 1/4 mark. It's just too, well, boring.

ah. sorry about that. not everything captures the imagination. maybe at the right time.

for some reason CITIZEN CANINE has me enraptured. i feel a need to understand why people are so into dogs and cats. this book explains a lot...

Submitted by moneymaker on December 8, 2014 - 10:43pm.

If there was a pill to cause aging to be cut in half? i.e. you could live twice as long if you started taking it as an infant, would it be a good thing? If women could reproduce into their 70's and 80's would it cause the earth to over populate sooner? So if I'm 50 and would have lived to 100 without the pill, but with it could live to 150, would I want to? I think as long as the answer is "yes" then one is still alive and life is worth living, if one does not want to take the pill then one foot is already in the grave.

Submitted by UCGal on December 10, 2014 - 7:27am.

moneymaker wrote:
If there was a pill to cause aging to be cut in half? i.e. you could live twice as long if you started taking it as an infant, would it be a good thing? If women could reproduce into their 70's and 80's would it cause the earth to over populate sooner? So if I'm 50 and would have lived to 100 without the pill, but with it could live to 150, would I want to? I think as long as the answer is "yes" then one is still alive and life is worth living, if one does not want to take the pill then one foot is already in the grave.

I'm not sure I'd want that. Does it mean puberty lasts twice as long?
For women - menstruation/cramps, PMS, etc... for double the number of years. (I'm sooooo close to being done with this - but can't quite make it into menopause... but I'm ready... very ready to be done with childbearing years.)

Then there's the quality of life as you age... Frail bones, slower reactions when driving, macular issues, dementia, stairs become a chore.... twice as many years of the aged stage of life.

And as someone who's reached a great stage of my life - living twice as long would mean you need a LOT more money to retire... so more work years.. more traffic filled commutes, more years with passive aggressive bosses.... No thank you.

My financial plans call for the very unlikely scenario of living to 100, but truthfully, I'll be happy if I live to 80 or 90. Especially if I can avoid dementia and broken hips.

Submitted by svelte on December 10, 2014 - 9:34pm.

scaredyclassic wrote:
svelte wrote:
svelte wrote:

Also I just ordered the Toohey book based on your comment. Let's just hope I find the time to read it. :)

I've tried reading the "Boredom" book three times now...can't get past the 1/4 mark. It's just too, well, boring.

ah. sorry about that. not everything captures the imagination. maybe at the right time.

for some reason CITIZEN CANINE has me enraptured. i feel a need to understand why people are so into dogs and cats. this book explains a lot...

No worries.

Everyone has different things that pique their interest.

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